Road Rage

As the yellow bus maneuvered its way dangerously through the snarling Lagos traffic, the passengers shouted. “Oga driver, take am easy, abeg oh.”

The driver turned a deaf ear and continued to weave his way as he faced oncoming vehicles. He was wearing a singlet which must have been white at some point. He retrieved a dirty rag from the dashboard and wiped the sweat on his face and neck intermittently.

“Driver, no be you we dey talk to?” An elderly woman shouted from the back of the bus.

“Wetin? If you wan drive, make you come down come drive.” He shouted and sneered back at her.

“Driver, driver!!!” Another woman shouted as a trailer drove towards them from the opposite end.

The driver refused to heed the word of caution and continued to drive ahead. Screams and shouts rent the air, while other passengers cursed.

A few metres away from the trailer, the driver made a sharp turn to the right in order to make way for the trailer. As he did, he bumped into a navy blue Toyota Prado. He immediately tried to swerve back to face oncoming vehicles but the trailer was yet to have a way through. The trailer driver spew expletives at him but the driver was undeterred.

“Driver, you no see say you don jam that jeep?” The man who was seated beside the driver said.

“Go see wetin happen for dia.” The driver said to the bus conductor.

The bus conductor alighted from the bus. He shook his head as he checked the damage done to the Toyota Prado. While at it, the driver of the car came out. He was wearing a red long sleeved shirt on faded jeans trousers. The man removed the sun shades he was wearing and assessed the damage. The back door on the driver’s side had been dented and it had yellow streaks on it.

The conductor looked at the man . “Sorry sir.” He pleaded.

“Oya, oya enter bus, make we dey go.” The driver shouted at the conductor as he ignored the driver of the Toyota Prado.

“You no go look wetin happen to the car?” The man seated beside the driver asked again.

“Oga wetin be your own? Na you get the car?” The driver asked him.

“Ah…ah.” The man exclaimed as he looked at the driver in astonishment.

The trailer driver continued to curse the bus driver as they were now at a standstill. The trailer driver could not move forward as the bus was blocking his way.

The man in the Toyota Prado was quiet all through. He went towards the back of his car and opened the boot. He took out the wheel spanner from the boot and walked to the back of the bus. He swung his hand and in an instant, glass shattered. He raised his hand again, shattering the second brake light.

“Ahn…ahn…” The driver came down from the bus hurriedly. “Wetin be this nau?” He said walking towards the man.

The man moved towards the front of the bus and swung his hand shattering the right side mirror.

“Driver, sebi you say you mad. You don jam person wey mad pass you.” The elderly woman in the bus said.

The man was walking towards the other side of the bus. He was about to swing his hand again when the conductor prostrated on the floor before him. “Oga, please. E don do. Please sir. Abeg, no vex sir.”

The man looked at the conductor and nodded his head. The driver was standing at a safe distance murmuring and assessing the damage done to his bus.

The man walked back to his car and dropped the wheel spanner in the boot. He shut his boot, walked quietly to his car, eased into it and drove off while the shocked passengers, the conductor and the driver looked on.

——
Photo Credit: http://www.techcabal.com

Danfo Tales

The yellow volkswagen buses used for transportation majorly in most cities in Nigeria are referred to as “Danfo” in local parlance. I have no idea where the name originated from but once the word “danfo” is mentioned any where in Naija, every one understands.

Danfo tales

A ride in one of these buses reveal a combination of various characters. I took a ride in one recently and the following ensued. An elderly lady who I will call “Alhaja Trouble” had put her baggage in the boot of the danfo and told the driver that she would pay 100 naira as extra for the baggage.

Now, it is a known fact that danfo drivers in naija do not carry baggages for free. The driver told Alhaja Trouble that he would not carry her load for 100 naira as fuel had become scarce and expensive.

Alhaja Trouble told the driver that she and her friend were going on this ride, baggage inclusive. This meant she would be paying 500 naira (the ride cost 200 naira). She expected the total cost to appeal to the driver. Unfortunately, he was not impressed.

Driver: Mi ò lè gbé ërù yën ní iye yën, Alhaja (I can’t carry the baggage for that amount, Alhaja).

Alhaja Trouble: Ah,ah, a dè n bè yín. Àwa náà máà ní mótò o. Èyin lë ma kókó ní mótò ni? (I have been pleading, we also own a vehicle. Are you the first to have one?)

Driver: Ë è bá gbé mótò yín wá nígbà yën (You should have brought your vehicle then).

Alhaja Trouble: O rí ë ò pé ni (You are nuts).

Driver: Àwön ömö yín ni orí wön ò pé (It is your children that are nuts).

Trust naija, a fight is never complete without insulting the other party’s family members.

Alhaja Trouble: Màá fi ojú ë rí nkan léèní (I will deal with you today).

This is getting interesting as I wonder how Alhaja Trouble intends to deal with the driver.

Alhaja Peace (the supposed friend who is riding with Alhaja Trouble) had all the while been sitting in the bus quietly.

Alhaja Peace: Alhaja, ë fi sílè. Ó ti tó. Ë má sòrò mó (Alhaja, leave him alone. It is okay. Don’t flog the issue).

But Alhaja Trouble will have none of that. She reports the driver to another driver (I presume, the head of drivers) who tries to talk sense into both parties.

Alhaja Trouble is shouting while Driver is also cursing. The peace making driver shuts both of them up and eventually the driver decides to carry Alhaja Trouble reluctantly.

Whew!!!! I sigh. The battle is over.

Unfortunately, I have spoken too soon.

A lady with two kids, one held in her hand and another strapped to her back is trying to get into the bus.

Another driver is trying to park his bus just beside the lady and decides not to look back while reversing his vehicle. Really??? How do you reverse a vehicle looking forward?

The bus brushes the baby strapped to the back slightly and Alhaja Trouble and Alhaja Peace scream. Trust maternal instincts, we have them in abundance in naija.

The lady immediately unstraps her baby and checks her head and body for any scratches.

The driver gets down from his vehicle and Alhaja Trouble asks that he apologize to the lady. The driver does but the lady is not pacified.

She drags the driver by his shirt as he is about walking away and asks that he acknowledges what he has just done.

Driver: Sèbí mo ti ní ko má bínú. Sé ó yë kín n hug ë ko tó gbà ni? (I have apologized to you. Am I supposed to give you a hug before you accept my apology?)

I am about to burst into laughter but hold back so I don’t become the next point of discourse.

Danfo drivers and their passengers are definitely a comic relief.